The most painful moments of 2017 were felt in Amsterdam

music while you read: Ryan Adams- Shadowlands

everything my eyes fell upon was beauty but my insides were wrecked. 

I thought you couldn't tell but my sister said she could see it in my eyes.

the view from the apartment was amazing and i was so thankful for it because out of my week in Amsterdam, i left this building only three times.

maybe that's why this collection is strong on the interior shoots.

kelly best is a sweet angel and this is the street she lives in.

the snow was falling in pure white chunks when i arrived that night- 12:32am. i was struggling to walk but thankful for the beauty... it was a strange contrast.

percentage of time spent:
72% laying on the floor
28% laying in the hammock

view from the back balcony. when i left the apartment, the streets where busy and i was a afraid of the pain that would come if a stranger accidentally bumped into me. 
i already felt broken on my own. 

it can be scary when you don't understand what your body is doing; what's wrong with it or why. You don't know when the pain will end..

kelly best and flamingos enabled my smile.

real flippin flamingos!

we sat inside the glass house and throw stones. no- that was only happening to me on the inside.

Amsterdamic streets... i went to the supermarket to buy some food, the isles were thin and it was crowded. i moved slowly; for the pain, to be careful and to protect myself. I used a trolley as a sort of walking frame. 
when i got my things together, i decided to go through self-checkout, it hurt to pick up the items and scan them. it hurt to breathe.
 I wanted to pay by cash but couldn't see an option, so i turned to ask the shop assistant. She took time explaining that the self- checkout is card only. I began to get my card ready and as i turned back to face the screen i saw that every item had disappeared. When i inquired with the assistant about this, she told me 
"that's what happens if you're not quick enough" 
and i had to remove everything from my shopping bags and start scanning again. instead of starting again, i stood there for a moment and cried.

The problem was my spine. Nerve pain is a whole other level.

beauty is the best distraction.

little people in big places.

ouch. even just looking at these remind me of how much pain i was in and how thankful i am to be far from that feeling.

that pain. how do we get through it? i think some of it is allowing yourself space to feel and to process what you're going through. Some of it is knowing that this, whatever 'this' looks like, won't be forever and you can get through this minute and the next too. Some of it is getting yourself around humans that are life-giving and that help reveal the beauty you can't see in the moment. 
And a lot it is trust. I trust there is a reason, I trust in the one who created reason. 

Thank you dear friend for not judging my pain or trying to change it or fix it or minimise it. You gave me the greatest gift, you let me be, you accepted me. 

=Feb 2017=