#oneyearagoinvietnam

and when i was alone and said to myself out loud- "it's hard" i also thought "beautiful things can come from difficult times"

one year ago today...

14 feb twothousand and fourteen 

i have this sick feeling of being full and empty all at once. Its the same feeling i've had for a few weeks now i guess... and i can't work out if it started because that boy stopped talking to me or because my aunty died or just because of 2014... either way, in the Melbourne Airport alone waiting for my flight to Vietnam that i booked last night, i find it interesting- life; who we were, who we're becoming and who we'll be in the end.

im usually the kind of person not to make big plans unless there is some reason or purpose; yet when it comes to something i feel i must do, i seem to act immediately- this is one of those times.

2014 has brought my much heartache so far with the one year anniversary of Frank's death, the injustice of what i know the kids from camp have to deal with. Seeing that boy, loving that boy and losing that boy in such a short space of time. My aunty's death, last week, and the pain left behind, almost unbearable. What my uncle and the boys have to face and they are so young and i can't count how many times i've said to myself "it's not ok, it's not fair"

All this and i'm still forced to care for myself when i have never felt so careless, so weak...

I make myself eat, when im not hungry. Make myself talk about it, when i don't want to. Make myself wake, when sleep calls my name and I hear it whisper "forever".

i can't see forward anymore and i catch myself thinking to not be alive wouldn't be such a bad thing and im too curious about all the things i can't see and what they see now- without me. When it really comes down to it and you're low and never have you felt so weak, you still, i still look up to the sky, the sunset ablaze in beauty and i know the sweetness of His love.

How beautiful God is, how constant and never changing. And what i find is that the strength of pure joy and the weight  of worldly pain are together. Just like it was from the beginning- the hurt that God went through, that sacrifice and yet unspeakable love and passion shown on that same day. He has felt everything i feel. 

i am overwhelmed by all the He is and so i find myself longing to be with Him always, in His midst; complete. The Holy Spirit, my great friend, has struck my with a compassion i have never known before; i am very fragile about the simplest of sorrows and human suffering in life. I feel at any moment i could weep, for all the thoughts, all the feelings, all the mystery and i have already- yes, for strangers, cried for them and i don't understand it... 

All i know right now is that im leaving my country for a short time, in search of more of God, a new aspect of His heart [well, new to me]/

Anything could happen and whatever does i know this much- that i will keep coming back to the only one that freely gives perfect peace. Jesus.

#week1review...

+new years- footscray 

+camp life

+weekends off

+also dragons played at bar open

+writing letters

+rooftop bar

+g and t

+button making

+church

+jessica pratt played at the toff

+phone fell from pocket into lake- geelong

+wrote a song

+yarra walks

+small electrical fire in the basement; evacuate building- 2:17am

+almond croissant 

+poziable gifts sent 

+docklands sunset when i thought "i want nothing, except forever"

 

#thetoffintown^

#twothousandandforteen #listofthings...

so much has happened and this year hurt... everyday is new and i am determined more now than ever to do this one thing- "forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forth unto those things which are before"

we must all hold on to the hope we have, to overcome in this life.

#sunshine...

you are my #merrychristmasclub sunshine...

#mondays... am i right?

I called the RSPCA. the machine lady [who I named Joan] informed me that after recent budget cuts- they no longer do call outs. Then Joan began to list names and numbers of 24 hr emergency vets throughout Melbourne in alphabetical order. After writing out 6 numbers that are within a reasonable distance to where i live, I said "thanks Joan" and hung up [it was 5:32am and I talk to machine voices when I'm tired, stop judging me]

When I rang the first number, a real lady answered. She said that vets also don't really deal with this kind of - possum stuck in bathtub situation and that I had two options:

A- go online and report said situation to the Victorian wildlife rescue, put some fruit and water in the tub for Bambi [yes I named the possum, he was cute and fluffy and couldn't get out of the bath... And that was 5:17am] and wait to hear back from the humans that read reports...
B: get a blanket or rug, throw it on Bambi and scoop him up with two hands and carry him to the backyard- basically kidnap him, give him a cuddle and set him free.

Well, even though I'd already put fruit in the bath and was pretty much half way there on option A. I decided to go with the freedom and the cuddly. He must have been in there for a while already, as some crashing sound had woke me hours earlier...and i was determined to ignore it.
He was scared, I was loosing sleep-I think we both needed freedom and a cuddle.

It didn't exactly work like that. I'd thrown the blanket over him a few times without the bravery of acting on the cuddle part- which was imperative to the freedom. He realised he could attach himself to the blanket and just as I was trying to get brave, with my two hands on the blanket, he came out the top and I'd given him just enough effort for him to now get out of the tub.
He scurried and slipped on the top corner and fell to the floor. We both looked at wide open bathroom door... I throw the blanket over him, slammed the door shut and with my heart racing said out loud "I'm just trying to help you live your life Bambi!"
My courage came to me; I held him firm in my arms, while also trying to open the door and walk him down stairs and let him leave from under the blanket. I put it all on the ground and pulled the blanket from him. I'm sure he was shocked with gladness, I could see it in his big eyes. He was still for a moment and then moved slowly toward the tree, he was free ‪#‎byebambi ‬‪#‎happymonday‬

‪#‎ps‬ Lou he broke your pot plant, it's in pieces all over the bathroom ‪#‎sorry‬

#redbus...

inspired by childhood and that feeling that you really are going places...

and maybe leaving other places behind