t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f s e l f - r e f l e c t i o n

There are many things i want to tell you, moments i want to describe:
-when the snow fell for the first time
-hearing the french birds sing
-all kinda of smells that fill this place
-the tree out my window
-how i sat in the darkest room i could find for half an hour trying desperately to retrieve my exposed film from Paris
-how i danced alone in the ballroom and how it felt knowing that no one would find me there
-the freedom to open every door in the castle 
-when i stood, singing aloud in the empty chapel 
Every moment is so precious to me, yet they come and go so easily. i can't be constantly writing or i would not be living and would then have nothing to write.
This is my last night here, at the Performing Arts Forum. i believe i am learning a lot about myself.

In an environment where your time is your own and you are free to use each minute as see fit, from these five days alone, it would seem that these things are of importance to me: 

+ my faith 

+ having a lot of time to myself

+ taking long walks

+ being deliberate in loving others 

+ music

+ bath time

+ long-term friendships

+ photos, capturing things visually 

+ art

+ mindless movies; well- the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and the royal tenenbaums. Not that 'mindless' but rather- good entertainment. 

+ poetry 

i surprised myself on how content i was with such little human interaction. There were times i would go for hours, even a whole day without seeing someone here. 
i think i like words, how they fit together, how they sound. How they feel, coming from your month and have they can make you feel. 

There were things i noticed that i didn't like also:

+ i would have trouble sleeping, there was a constant tapping sound by the window in my room. I slept too long sleeping in the morning at times then i would start the day around 9am.

+ i think i should have tried harder to meet people here, instead of standing still on the stairs until i couldn't hear voices close by. i guess not be able to speak french is a bit of a barrier but not an excuse.

+ i would have like to further

establish my creative ideas and

challenge myself more.

There's probably more...

It has been a privilege to have this time. Our time- what we do with it, is incredibly important. i think it has been a healthy thing to reflect on how i respond in such a free environment. You may not have the chance to do something similar but you can reflect on your week, find your strengths, realise what you are passionate about and work on changing things you're not as happy with. 
What else is there to do in life but to become your best self. 
It's a process. You're with yourself for a very long time, so do something today that will help you like you, a little more.

L5 S1

I feel so distant from the pain that was within me earlier this year; both physically and emotionally.

It’s hard to believe it was only nine months ago when I questioned if I’d be able to walk “normally” again- without pain, without limping. I wasn’t very good at listening to my body and would struggle explaining to my GP and neurosurgeon, where the pain was, how it felt and the severity of the nerve pain. I work with universities helping to train medical students in communication, by pretending to be a patient. You’d think after years of talking injuries, accidents, unfortunate diagnosis’ and death, I’d have a handle on the pain scale structure and what information is required for history taking. Yet when it’s happening to you, well, what is real feels very different to what is not.

The medical team suggested I make pain notes. Pain is a strange thing, hard to control, hard to process and at times hard to heal.  I made a conscious effort not to let this pain be a vocal point in my life. 

“This is not going to become part of my identity,” I thought, so only in the margins of my diary I wrote out my pain in red pen:

2.3.15

+hurts

+hurts when I sleep

+hurts when I wake

+when I walk

+standing hurts

+bending down hurts

3.3.15

+same as the day before

+hurts when I cough

+after walking for a while I forget the pain

4.3.15

+a little better when I stood up this morning

+still hurts when I cough

5.3.15

+sore all day, filming all day  = standing all day

6.3.15

+hurts getting up

+cried at the physio

+hurt all day

+pain killers not helping

7.3.15

+hurt in the morning

+hurts holding things

+hurts to walk

+couldn’t pick up car keys off the ground

+new pills from GP

+getting older tomorrow

8.3.15 [#birthday]

+hurts when I sneeze

+hurts when I cough

+used heat patch

9.3.15

+left sign school early because of pain

10.3.15

+NO PAIN IN THE MORNING!!!

11.3.15

+woke in pain

+hurts when I cough

+got sent home from work

+cried on the floor

the following was a ‘to do’ list I had written at the time:

-sleep

-cry

-listen to records

-lay on the floor

-cry

-sleep

-walk

-repeat

I’m glad that I wrote these things out because I’d forgotten, not necessarily the effects but how it felt. It was terrible but I couldn’t be as thankful as I am right now, if I were not able to re-read what I’d gone through. I made a decision to take time and write the specifics about what I was going through at that time in my life and I’m glad I did.

It’s a process and I still have to be careful. Now there are days when I have no pain. I remember thinking “if you can’t feel your spine, it’s a good time”.  I’m hopeful that in time I will be closer to that point.

This morning I had physio-pilates at 7:20am on a pain scale where 1 is the least amount of pain I’ve experienced and 10 is the most; I would rate this mornings session at 2. Earlier this year I would say I’d hit a 10 for sure.

Throughout this year, even when I was on 4 different medications and my health needed to be a priority more than ever; I was still able to finish all my assignments and graduate sign school. I had my first composition performed live, I moved house, continued to work and support myself, drove a bus to Alice Spring, started taking piano lessons and got my taxes done. We are capable of some much more that we think we are.

To my GP, neurosurgeon, psychologist, physiotherapist x2, my sister and my dear friends; to whom without their support, the struggle would have been so much more real, I thank you.

So much has changed and I’m so thankful.

What did you learn?

• -     Healing is a mystery; it can happen over time or can happen in a moment.
• -       Writing is a great way to process what you’re going through.
• -       Don’t let the biggest pain in your life be the biggest thing in your mind.
• -       Sometimes really hard things happen and all you can control is your response to these things.
• -       You need other people, you can’t do everything on your own.
• -       One of the most important things in life are the choices that you make.

#likeyou

There are still times when I question what is going on in my life- 

"What am I actually doing with my life, with this time i've been given!??"

Soon after that thought, that slightly irrational crisis,  I stop, I calm down and I remember my purpose- #LOVE. I believe if everything thing I do, the way that I treat other humans and the words that I use all come from a place of love, then I am living with meaning. 

Love is complex, it is many things and is represented in various ways and today I was thinking about how love is brave...

#week1review...

+new years- footscray 

+camp life

+weekends off

+also dragons played at bar open

+writing letters

+rooftop bar

+g and t

+button making

+church

+jessica pratt played at the toff

+phone fell from pocket into lake- geelong

+wrote a song

+yarra walks

+small electrical fire in the basement; evacuate building- 2:17am

+almond croissant 

+poziable gifts sent 

+docklands sunset when i thought "i want nothing, except forever"

 

#thetoffintown^

#twothousandandforteen #listofthings...

so much has happened and this year hurt... everyday is new and i am determined more now than ever to do this one thing- "forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forth unto those things which are before"

we must all hold on to the hope we have, to overcome in this life.

today i thought...

#camplife

I walked to the closest café, my spine won’t take me far; I feel slow in all ways, since august, if im honest. I know it’ll pass, these things do, it’ll just take time. Time being something I always have plenty of and not enough simultaneously. And I remember writing “I’ve been trying to push the days out the window; to make them jump. I feel like the quicker they come and go, the closer we’ll get to each other” #time

While my sign school class took holidays, I took to Phillip Island, working two weeks on camp. Camp is a complex beast; something hard and beautiful and worth it. I don’t want to over think it but must always find a way to process the experience by the end or I don’t know how I’d go back again.

In some ways normal; cabins, a lake, canoes, a giant swing, coffee, laser tag, calling the police on a kid, watching the blue penguins come to shore for the evening, sunrises, sunsets, coffee, a butter knife thrown at my face, camp food, orange t-shirts, a long drive and questions…so many questions.

Why do you have a boy hair cut?

How long until we’re there?

Why can’t we go to the Melbourne show this year?

What’s ‘will you be my girlfriend’ in sign language?

What’s ‘you’re a dump ****’ in sign language? 

You taught us the colours, why won’t you teach me that!?

How many penguins are in Australia?

Why is the ocean blue and why do the waves do that?

Is that the time coming in?

Where are they going?

Can I take one home?

Do I have to do home?

How may sleeps until camp again?

Who started the world?

If I wanted to go to heaven, whats the best way to get there?

Why don't you have a boyfriend?

Why doesn’t my dad love me?

And so many more. And I find I’m naturally very honest about how much I do or don’t understand. Kids respond to honesty. These kids do.

I have been doing this for over 2 years now and I would say this camp was the toughest yet, and yes, having a knife thrown at me was terrible experience and calling the police in wasn’t great either. It moves me every time and I have a heat patch on my spin and tears fall from my eyes sitting here, at this café from all kinds of pain but I will keep going back as long as I can because when im with those kids, I feel I am really living. If I can give them a glimpse of hope that suggests they can grow into a decent human, a positive contributor to society and someone they can look at in the mirror and think ‘today I like you’; then in my mind that’s worth it.

The reality is these kids come from very difficult situations and they’re not in some distance, far away place; they are in our backyard.

My housemate said it “might be time to look for another less dangerous holiday job” and the physio said “you’ve been accepted for the 12 month health plan, usually I only have people with obesity or lung problems; normally heavy smokers- so that must be some kind of pain you’re in.” to which I replied “it’s not the worst pain I have...”

It’s only a small window of time I get to spend with these kids and I believe that hope is so important and I see unique potential in each child I interact with and I’m so far from not caring. When it comes to camp I think “I can’t just do nothing about it, when I can do something about it.”

And so I’ve decided I’m willing to take whatever life throws at me… literally.

I woke before sunrise one morning, while everything on the island was still new and unfamiliar. I found my way to the beach to watch the sunrise. Upon reflecting on that morning, I wrote the poem below, in case my writing is illegible, here it is:

“Remember early when your colours called my name.

Breaking into dawn, 

spilt in, 

old from new. 

Darkness before me; I walked the field. 

Dew and grass and mud on boots, I didn’t mind- 

in fact the opposite.

All the sounds of children, even in my sleep, never ceasing and

I climbed the restless night wide in thought. 

Now with one simple step in front of another; I anticipate your next move.

Chasing down your mystery with a ‘why’

and many

and always seeking.

Content but never satisfied until I know. 

And I see you in the water, in the sky, in the eyes of others. 

If a howl,

if a whisper 

or in the silence breaking through; 

your colours always calling me, drawing me to you.”

#todayithought

#tobeunderstood...

#abouttoday...

"3 and a half hours later, we had arrived. it was like Hue had been swallowed up by a giant cloud. A white fog covered the entire providence and i loved breathing in the chill from the air... we walked into the direction that we thought the city was in, after successful avoiding the friendly locals [as in a little too friendly, as in creepy]. we stopped to get some street food and it was super delicious. Pho and other noodle options, the meal was 20.000VND- $1. I enjoyed it so much, i paid for Dennys meal and gave them a tip, they kept trying to hand it back to me, they didn't understand but once they did they kept repeating "cam on" [thank you] and i got slightly uncomfortable, it felt as though all the people on the corner of that street were looking at me, i ran away...well i walked away- quickly...

we walked for a really long time, in fact, it wasn't that long at all, it just seemed long as we were carrying everything we brought to this country. We were walking along the path, by the river, when in a nearby park i saw a group of Vietnamese, around my age, signing to each other. They saw me look as i was walking by, one of them waved, i waved back and signed "hello, im from Australia and im studying auslan- Australian sign language" they all left the park and came to meet me on the footpath. We talked for about 20 mins while Denny waited patiently and i interpreted some of what they were saying. I was surprised at how much we could understand each other, i showed them some Vietnamese signs, id learnt at the cafe in Da Nang, earlier that day...I was reminded of my sign school class, and the privilege it is to share time with those people four days a week. The Vietnamese kids invited me back to the park tomorrow at 4.30pm and hopefully that will work out, its just hard to say cos im planning to take the night bus to Hanoi at 5pm but haven't booked yet. i walked away from that interaction feeling great about life. They could understand me more than anyone ive met here..."

#words

#abouttoday...

all the words i have written about Ha Long Bay do not justify it's breathtaking beauty... after my first night onboard the ship, early in the morning i was noticing everything, seeing everything and i wrote this:

all ships sailing
and there is now no difference 
between the shore and the sky
all is white
floating
wanting to stay
to wait
when there is time 
to wait
to stay
to hope
but hope is not hope when having
no, hope is grafted into longing
eyes closed now
white light, brilliant, dances around me
i want to pull it in
and keep it inside me
for when the fragile me
is eroded in parts again;
this bright light, brilliant
will shine through the gaps
the holes, the spaces, the pain
and when there is nothing else
this white light, brilliant, shall remain — at Ha Long Bay.

#time

#abouttoday...

"they took us on a little bamboo boat to climb one of the islands in ha long bay ["descending dragon bay" isn't the imagery great...] the four of us walked up together, something like a thousand steps he said. its good to get your heart racing, i love that feeling; i felt alive. when we reached the top, the white fog covered most of what would otherwise be a perfect view. usually im all about the view but in that moment all i wanted was to stand there, eyes closed, face leaning into the sky and to feel the cool, gentle rain softly touch my skin, gathering together; as it dripped down my cheek. i was really there...

I think im glad i didn't have my phone- all distractions avoided. Every moment is worth capturing and i would have stressed myself out with the amount of content... my eyes and my heart can take it in and keep it safe and store it better. When i really want to cement a place in my mind i draw the skyline with my eyes- follow it closely, every curve, every point and every empty space. And if no stranger is near i draw it in the air with my finger. So, from the left to the right, as far as i can see, it is all connected and it will stay with me.

Ho Long Bay is worthy of being counted as one of the 7 wonders of the world [not that ive seen any of the others]. 
As i walked inside the cave i found myself singing outloud and even though there were so many people around i wasn't as self-conscience as i am about those things. my left hand moving gently over all the stones it could touch, feeling the cold and the texture and singing james vincent mcmorrow, ryan adams and jeff buckley. Even in a crowded cave full of strangers i found moments of my own and was thankful for all that my eyes were taking in. We all had to follow the same path as there was one way in and a different way out. I enjoyed the sense of being together, moving together, yet feeling free to stop at any point, for any length of time while you try and comprehend how such a thing could ever be crafted.

i honestly don't mind waiting and really why are people in such a hurry- what is so urgent that to rush through life can be justified? what is so important that it must happened now? #iusedtobeinahurry... if i know anything about time- its simply that you can't change it; it changes you. 
And i believe this time has changed me and im yet to know what that change will look like or how it will out-work itself in my life. Things like this tend to not hit you for some time. Still i try to process as much as i can now, maybe to have some sense of self-awareness or become more thankful or even just to realize the small things about life that i haven't learnt or didn't know before. The more i learn, the more i see how much i don't understand and all it does is create within me a deeper hunger for understanding. im beginning to believe that this is the kind of hunger that will never be satisfied."

#home

#abouttoday...

"its warm here, laying in the room, Saigon. The fan is blue and orange, i like it and as it spins it blows the white sheets hanging above and in front of me. They gave me my own room for the price of the dorm- "my own room" also doubles as their laundry room and its found on very top floor and i don't mind at all. Actually i like it; my own space, balcony, huge bed and a place to hang my first attempt at hand-washed clothes.
There is something luxurious about the freedom of having a midday shower and even though the shower system is a little different to what im used to; i have indulged in this simple joy at any opportunity while being here. 
i had lunch with Leo, a make up artist from new york that i met on the twenty-five cent bus from the airport to the city [much better that the taxi ride that cost me $45 USD the day i arrived in Ho Chi Minh #heavilyrippedoff #classictourist] 
Leo knew a great street food place, the walk was good, the lotus flower is in bloom beautifully this time of year and allamanda and orchids I notice everywhere. over lunch i mentioned to him that i seem to think ive already had the most delicious mean i could have here and then you try something even better and for $1!! #what??! every dish here comes with chili, soy sauce and cucumber on the side; i have a new appreciation for condiments but i can live without the cucumber. It was great meeting Leo, he is very generous with his knowledge, time and money and was very considerate of others.

We went to Anh's bubble tea shop and Huy and Lee where there making jewellery. They said to me that they thought i had already been back a couple of days and i was avoiding them. i laughed and explained that i had to do Ha Long Bay. None of them had been there, its true- you don't usually see much of your own country. I would like to know australia more. To KNOW Australia, haha. That's how Danny would always put it- "i want to know Hoi An" she'd say, "i want to know the beaches..." i like hearing it that way.

i watched the sunset in Vietnam from gate 20; through the glass window in the airport and i was thankful that the day was coming to an end. im forgetting the days and dates and never look at the time unless im hungry or need to be at the airport. This adventure hasn't necessarily made me see a better side to human nature but it has made me see a lot of things...
a friend of mine said that when you travel you see how much the 'tall poppy syndrome' is so prevalent in Australia. I remember Dennys said she thinks Australia is perfect, i said no where in this world is perfect but some where is home.
i think home is a feeling; that consists of love and time and trying to understand and wanting to know and a cuddle or maybe more than one... its nurtured in the place where you spend your time. For me, that is Australia."