I feel so distant from
the pain that was within me earlier this year; both physically and emotionally.
It’s hard to believe
it was only nine months ago when I questioned if I’d be able to walk “normally”
again- without pain, without limping. I wasn’t very good at listening to my
body and would struggle explaining to my GP and neurosurgeon, where the pain
was, how it felt and the severity of the nerve pain. I work with universities
helping to train medical students in communication, by pretending to be a patient.
You’d think after years of talking injuries, accidents, unfortunate diagnosis’
and death, I’d have a handle on the pain scale structure and what information
is required for history taking. Yet when it’s happening to you, well, what is
real feels very different to what is not.
The medical team
suggested I make pain notes. Pain is a strange thing, hard to control, hard to
process and at times hard to heal.
I made a conscious effort not to let this pain be a vocal point in my
life.
“This is not going to become part of my identity,” I thought, so only in
the margins of my diary I wrote out my pain in red pen:
2.3.15
+hurts
+hurts when I sleep
+hurts when I wake
+when I walk
+standing hurts
+bending down hurts
3.3.15
+same as the day
before
+hurts when I cough
+after walking for a
while I forget the pain
4.3.15
+a little better when
I stood up this morning
+still hurts when I
cough
5.3.15
+sore all day, filming
all day = standing all day
6.3.15
+hurts getting up
+cried at the physio
+hurt all day
+pain killers not
helping
7.3.15
+hurt in the morning
+hurts holding things
+hurts to walk
+couldn’t pick up car
keys off the ground
+new pills from GP
+getting older
tomorrow
8.3.15 [#birthday]
+hurts when I sneeze
+hurts when I cough
+used heat patch
9.3.15
+left sign school
early because of pain
10.3.15
+NO PAIN IN THE
MORNING!!!
11.3.15
+woke in pain
+hurts when I cough
+got sent home from
work
+cried on the floor
the following was a
‘to do’ list I had written at the time:
-sleep
-cry
-listen to records
-lay on the floor
-cry
-sleep
-walk
-repeat
I’m glad that I wrote
these things out because I’d forgotten, not necessarily the effects but how it
felt. It was terrible but I couldn’t be as thankful as I am right now, if I
were not able to re-read what I’d gone through. I made a decision to take time
and write the specifics about what I was going through at that time in my life
and I’m glad I did.
It’s a process and I
still have to be careful. Now there are days when I have no pain. I remember
thinking “if you can’t feel your spine, it’s a good time”. I’m hopeful that in time I will be closer
to that point.
This morning I had
physio-pilates at 7:20am on a pain scale where 1 is the least amount of pain
I’ve experienced and 10 is the most; I would rate this mornings session at 2.
Earlier this year I would say I’d hit a 10 for sure.
Throughout this year,
even when I was on 4 different medications and my health needed to be a
priority more than ever; I was still able to finish all my assignments and
graduate sign school. I had my first composition performed live, I moved house,
continued to work and support myself, drove a bus to Alice Spring, started
taking piano lessons and got my taxes done. We are capable of some much more
that we think we are.
To my GP, neurosurgeon,
psychologist, physiotherapist x2, my sister and my dear friends; to whom
without their support, the struggle would have been so much more real, I thank
you.
So much has changed
and I’m so thankful.
What did you learn?
- - Healing is a mystery; it can happen over time or can happen in a moment.
- - Writing is a great way to process what you’re going through.
- - Don’t let the biggest pain in your life be the biggest thing in your mind.
- - Sometimes really hard things happen and all you can control is your response to these things.
- - You need other people, you can’t do everything on your own.
- - One of the most important things in life are the choices that you make.
