The last goodbye

Try that stream of consciousness thing...

I strongly believe there are very few things we control in life and these would include and may be limited to; ourselves- our behavior, our words and our thoughts.

Some may even argue that this is not the case; that they can't control themselves. It may take a lifetime to learn to control these things the way we'd like to. Still we persist. 

I would say that from these things, our thoughts are where our biggest challenge is found. They say 'actions speak louder than words' and 'death and life are in the power of the tongue'. When we are in the same room and you do something, I can see it, I know it was you. The words you say; whether you own them, whether you mean them or not is really irrelevant. It's done, it's out there and it came from you. These things are a kind of proof. Yet I can't see your thoughts, your motives, your intention...

What point is this bringing us to?

I think part of learning to control your own thought life is to become more aware about how you're thinking. In an effort to understand myself [my thoughts] more I took a pen and made note of thoughts as they came, not dismissing anything. I will share it with you here and I would encourage you to do the same. If we want to be in control of our thoughts we must become more conscious of the way in which we are thinking. 

To give this some context, i was travelling from the Netherlands back to London at the time:

There are gaps in the spiral stairs.

i tried, but i can't sleep.

'kiss and ride' said the sign,

we never kissed.

no one was around so i looked down, 

a little shaky;

still wanting to throw everything i had over the stone wall of the new church.

it didn't make any sense, all spread out that way.

don't leave me alone anymore.

shoe lace and seat-belt undone.

independent. 

i will find my own way to follow you.

is it here?

376 steps, the rest?

i want you to go before me and to stay.

if i had only on choice it would be- stay.

stay.

i can only do any thing with you.

take me where you feel most at home.

i don't remember that feeling.

don't or can't?

can't or won't?

don't cry,

unless it helps-

im talking to myself again now.

i cried in every city.

where is the blood?

where there is blood there is something either living or dying

and why is it red?

they're drawing squares in the sky again.

its means nothing to me.

is it hard to tell the difference?

im ok with that.

all the strangers look, some look like strangers,

others like friends- faces like other faces i know.

we didn't talk about it, i think they're in a hurry.

the chocolate was fair-trade.

i think im learning.

he helped me; i didn't understand the machine,

the coins, the paper,

the smallest coffee in the biggest cup.

sometimes i think im still in love with him.

it didn't taste like melbourne but it didn't matter.

its all green except the blood- christmas colours.

a dying art form.

why the wait?

not to complain, only to wonder...

passing everything

catch your breath, only this is real.

whether its getting better, improving, developing at a pace you'd prefer is irrelevant 

but now, try to know it,

to know yourself in this- now.

no sugar.

blueberries and memories.

last week seems only a distant dream, in this now.

he smiled, he touched my elbow. 

   

#abouttoday post nam...

#abouttoday...

"I feel so much older #thatsalie or though my body aches at times and then I tell myself "you've got the heart of a youth and the bones of an ancient egyptian mummy #dealwithit" and then I remembered those lyrics by The Cure, "yesterday I got so old I felt like I could die, yesterday I got so old it made me want to cry..."
Sometimes their lyrics are so serious and honest but its hard to take it seriously because the melody is so playful. Their music has this ironic way of making me feel good about things. 'The Cure' are great.

Today, walking by the maribyrnong river, to the shopping centre to keep my "genius" appointment at apple and I thought of all the things inside me that I want to get out. All the things I want to say, want to communicate to the world before this ends for me. And I can't work out how, in any kind of way. My eyes glazed over.
Isn't that all we're all trying to do; isn't that what we're doing here? Trying to express this experience of being human and what that means and how it feels. And maybe that's one reason im studying sign language, find as many ways as I can to communicate; just to get it out right... 

im always asking why, too curious and for my birthday, my sister gave me a book called 'Why? Answers to Everyday Scientific Questions' 
"because you're a scientist now" she said.
I am always amazed by her insight of me. She said "I worried about you almost every day but I knew being in Vietnam was good for because of what you were going through. You never talk about how you feel to get approval or reassurance or some sense of direction; you've never needed that from people. You just need to get it out".
I was silent for a moment and then said 
"I feel good when say things like that" she laughed
"why? Because it shows you that I know you?" she asked
"yeah...and you know me and you still like me" I said
"I like you even more because of it" she added

My old iphone4 [replacement of my stolen iphone5] has issues- no safari [internet], no wifi and no app store and the off button doesn't work... They asked me if it's ok to reset the phone, which I agreed to, though it was not backed up- I figured i've been getting good at letting things go. Well they couldn't reset it anyway because you need the 'off' button to go off for that...they apologised and in the end i don't think the ''genius'' felt so genius. I said
"don't worry about it, genius is a pretty lose term these days"

sometimes I wonder, how I got to be so deeply effected by things. Maybe going through my whole life sober is part of it; I have never known what it's like to numb whatever it is I feel. When I cut my leg shaving I thought maybe I should allow myself to be upset [about other things that aren't shaving cuts] and not constantly analyse myself as to why... And just be ok with that.

I keep thinking about that missing airplane; I was flying with that same airline, in that same area last week. And I don't think, "what if that was me?" I just think about the purple blanket that's waiting at your seat, when you board and the endless cups of bad coffee with the weird powdered milk and the eye contact I made with the air hostess and the rows of seats in front of me, filled with strangers, all going the same direction and wondering- only for a moment "who are you all? Where are you actually going?". And the friendly voice that began with "this is your captain speaking..." First in a foreign language, then in English. It all seemed so ordinary then one moment changes the 'ordinary' forever."

'the cure'- in between days:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scif2vfg1ug&feature=kp

#adventurehands

its been seven days since i started my 2.5 year journey into the world of Australian Sign Language. I find it creative and enchanting... it's a transparent space where your communication failures and successes are brought to the surface and there is something very vulnerable in that. Our teachers are deaf and we communication with our hands, with our face. It's a learning environment unlike any other.

In many ways i feel like a child again, yet now i'm completely aware that i'm discovering things for the first time. Every common noise is heightened; the sound of pen to paper, someone drinking from a water bottle, even breath and breathing but the silence is still louder than any of that. The room is full of  the sound of things we've never put thought into before, because we can hear them. I can't imagine what it would be like to never hear someone sing or to feel the beat but never hear the music...
Even now I'm starting to see things differently, I feel a change in me already- the way i see things, my senses and the ability to observe and read behaviors. Its a powerful thing to be able to communicate effectively in this way and this study will open up, for me, a whole new community of people to know and love. 
A language so expressive and beautiful should be learnt by all. Imagine how much more effective we  could communicate if we were aware and controlled our face and hands, our body language.

the silence is deafening, deafeningly beautiful...