one year ago today...

14 feb twothousand and fourteen 

i have this sick feeling of being full and empty all at once. Its the same feeling i've had for a few weeks now i guess... and i can't work out if it started because that boy stopped talking to me or because my aunty died or just because of 2014... either way, in the Melbourne Airport alone waiting for my flight to Vietnam that i booked last night, i find it interesting- life; who we were, who we're becoming and who we'll be in the end.

im usually the kind of person not to make big plans unless there is some reason or purpose; yet when it comes to something i feel i must do, i seem to act immediately- this is one of those times.

2014 has brought my much heartache so far with the one year anniversary of Frank's death, the injustice of what i know the kids from camp have to deal with. Seeing that boy, loving that boy and losing that boy in such a short space of time. My aunty's death, last week, and the pain left behind, almost unbearable. What my uncle and the boys have to face and they are so young and i can't count how many times i've said to myself "it's not ok, it's not fair"

All this and i'm still forced to care for myself when i have never felt so careless, so weak...

I make myself eat, when im not hungry. Make myself talk about it, when i don't want to. Make myself wake, when sleep calls my name and I hear it whisper "forever".

i can't see forward anymore and i catch myself thinking to not be alive wouldn't be such a bad thing and im too curious about all the things i can't see and what they see now- without me. When it really comes down to it and you're low and never have you felt so weak, you still, i still look up to the sky, the sunset ablaze in beauty and i know the sweetness of His love.

How beautiful God is, how constant and never changing. And what i find is that the strength of pure joy and the weight  of worldly pain are together. Just like it was from the beginning- the hurt that God went through, that sacrifice and yet unspeakable love and passion shown on that same day. He has felt everything i feel. 

i am overwhelmed by all the He is and so i find myself longing to be with Him always, in His midst; complete. The Holy Spirit, my great friend, has struck my with a compassion i have never known before; i am very fragile about the simplest of sorrows and human suffering in life. I feel at any moment i could weep, for all the thoughts, all the feelings, all the mystery and i have already- yes, for strangers, cried for them and i don't understand it... 

All i know right now is that im leaving my country for a short time, in search of more of God, a new aspect of His heart [well, new to me]/

Anything could happen and whatever does i know this much- that i will keep coming back to the only one that freely gives perfect peace. Jesus.

#justfortoday...

#abouttoday...

"i decided to indulge myself into a false sense of security by being herded like cattle on one of those classic tourist tours, for a day trip to My Tho and Unicorn Island. A two and a half hr journey from Ho Chi Minh by bus. The landscapes i saw were colorful and disturbing and stunning and since mental pictures where now the only way i could capture moments, i was attempting, more than ever, to just be there and take it all in. The herd was made up of 3 Germans, 4 English, 2 Israelis, 3 Americans, 2 French, 4 Vietnamese and 1 Australian [#me]. After 2 bus trips, 6 wooden boat rides, a canoe trail, 3 islands and not one unicorn in sight...[clearly false advertising] i agreed that to be herded was exactly what i needed #justfortoday..."

#stay...

February 25 near Hoi An, Vietnam · 

#abouttoday

"i am not happy here... In Hanoi. I miss Hue already. i keep thinking its best to move on, safer or something and then when i get to the next place, i feel it wasn't enough, that i moved on too soon. 

the Vietnamese ATM ate my only bank card and making those calls to ANZ and Visa cash emergency was difficult. My phone being long gone, borrowing a phone, the line breaking up, the disconnect, the calling back, the line breaking up again and yelling [not in an angry way, in a deliberate way] the personal details, numbers; things i care nothing for but are attached to me whether i like it or not...

i like the traditional Vietnamese coffee, it has character, a bite to it; almost like a liqueur but of course when it comes to coffee not much can come close to Melbourne quality. Fried eggs for breakfast and a man across the cafe, also from a foreign country, watching me. i should drink more water... so much has happened and ive written so much but there are still things ive missed and i think to myself "did i already write that down and its coming back to me or am i keeping it in mind, as to remember to write it out?"

i loved the hostel in Hue and the pregnant lady who owned it and was due to have her baby on my birthday. i loved that massage [i would have never thought that someone standing on you could be so beneficial], i loved that annoying coffee man who stood on the corner and asked me in for coffee every time i walked by. i loved that street food that i can't describe, that i went back for 4 times in one day. i loved my new Vietnamese friends from the deaf community that i met in the park by the river. i loved riding the motorbike around, getting lost and seeing all the different shades of green.#imisshue [#itsaplace]

Dennys said if she was me she would be crying and crying and crying- they were here exact words... 

Maybe that's the thing about moving on too quickly- maybe you miss something, something that was meant for you, something worth hanging around for. And being brave enough to stay even though you might get hurt... we'll thats life really isn't it... and life is very hard and very beautiful."

#music

#abouttoday...

"The people here are both mean and nice to me. I am getting frustrated at the amount of people trying to sell me things and rip me off. Being constantly approached by taxi drivers; the pounce on the foreigner, the fake friendliness, the dollar signs in the eyes. Trying to grab my bag out from under the bus... "Is this your lauggages?? Which which?" i've gotten good at saying "no, thank you, no" in Vietnamese. which is exactly what I said just before removing me own bag and hitting my head on the luggage gate of the sleeping bus. Yes, it was hard not to dwell on this small yet still bad start to the day at 5:30am...

I walked around the lake in Hanoi, I was wearing the red and navy stripped shirt that my mum had made for my dad; it made me think that maybe I have become sentimental again...and I like that. I was stopped twice and asked to have my photo taken with strangers and its a pretty small lake...
I don't feel so good today... Slightly unwell, maybe a head cold, maybe not...#idontknow

Later Danny and I went to the night markets and I was reminded that nothing bores me more than shopping... It was colourful and long and the same over and over and over again. People had no problems just bumping into each other, there was no attempt made to move out of the way of others, I found it strange and felt like I was getting touched too much...

I decided I would spoil myself on my last night in Hanoi by going to the "Lotus Water Puppet." Once I saw the set design, I was convinced it would be the best 100.000VND [$5] ive spent here, and I was right. I really like that word- convinced; its a solid word... 
The puppety was amazing yet I found myself distracted by three things: the first- the smell of mold that floated through the theatre, the second- the disrespectful and excitable audience that were both loud and trippy happy [with flash] and the third [and favorite distraction] being the 3 musicians on either side of the stage. They were incredible maniulapuaters of the traditional Vietnamese instruments. The sáo man [sao- transverse flute made of bamboo or hardwood] was a master and I can see why the kids and the mice, in that story, ran after that guy with the flute...but I think it ended badly?? #dontremember #piedpiper. This didn't end badly, the whole show was performed in water, portraying workers in the rice fields and other daily activities through this art form and I felt I now had a greater understanding of the people and their culture here in the north..."

#words

#abouttoday...

all the words i have written about Ha Long Bay do not justify it's breathtaking beauty... after my first night onboard the ship, early in the morning i was noticing everything, seeing everything and i wrote this:

all ships sailing
and there is now no difference 
between the shore and the sky
all is white
floating
wanting to stay
to wait
when there is time 
to wait
to stay
to hope
but hope is not hope when having
no, hope is grafted into longing
eyes closed now
white light, brilliant, dances around me
i want to pull it in
and keep it inside me
for when the fragile me
is eroded in parts again;
this bright light, brilliant
will shine through the gaps
the holes, the spaces, the pain
and when there is nothing else
this white light, brilliant, shall remain — at Ha Long Bay.

#unwell

February 27

#abouttoday...

"slightly unwell. i went to the pharmacy in Hanoi, no one spoke english, they gave me yellow pills for my heavy head; im sure they're not as dodgy as they look...
After Ha Long bay and the A Class Cruiser, going to a backpackers was a bad choice. im usually all for those interactive stranger experiences but maybe its just cos im sick or maybe its like wayne said 
"the majority of backpackers cannot offer any depth to a conversation as they're are not here to learn anything or experience the culture, they're only here to meet other backpackers and get pissed every night of the week" 
"so you're a 'real' traveler, then?" i asked
"yes, i would say i am" replying just as you would expect an englishman to
"well, couldn't that be seen as slightly pretentious of you?" i added
he laughed "well, there's a thought, maybe you're right. i guess there's two ends of the scale" he said.

ive been pumping myself full of ginger and spilt the ginger tea all over my diary as i was making plans; flying to Ho Chi Minh tomorrow and not looking forward to it. it really was a terrible first day in Vietnam and i have no desire to relive it- i know i just need to get past it and im sure that's what will happen once im back there...besides i really liked the girls who run the ppbackpackers there and Anh, my bubble friend and Huy, who took me on a free tour of the city on his motorbike and hand-made me an anklet with little fish on it. I like the people a lot but the place... haha

This morning i went to ABBank to get the 'emergency cash' and thought about buying t-shirts for my cousins... ive decided to check out of the backpackers and pay a few more dollars for a nice hotel that will allow me to be hidden for a while, that might have hand soap and clean towels and maybe even free ginger tea all day..."

#namsong

#abouttoday...

a little song I wrote to help me remember some important Vietnamese words- loosely translated below:

"hell-o hell-o hell-o
thank you thank you thank you
goodbye goodbye goodbye
sorry sorry sorry
pineapple..."

the locals are #lovinit 

#home

#abouttoday...

"its warm here, laying in the room, Saigon. The fan is blue and orange, i like it and as it spins it blows the white sheets hanging above and in front of me. They gave me my own room for the price of the dorm- "my own room" also doubles as their laundry room and its found on very top floor and i don't mind at all. Actually i like it; my own space, balcony, huge bed and a place to hang my first attempt at hand-washed clothes.
There is something luxurious about the freedom of having a midday shower and even though the shower system is a little different to what im used to; i have indulged in this simple joy at any opportunity while being here. 
i had lunch with Leo, a make up artist from new york that i met on the twenty-five cent bus from the airport to the city [much better that the taxi ride that cost me $45 USD the day i arrived in Ho Chi Minh #heavilyrippedoff #classictourist] 
Leo knew a great street food place, the walk was good, the lotus flower is in bloom beautifully this time of year and allamanda and orchids I notice everywhere. over lunch i mentioned to him that i seem to think ive already had the most delicious mean i could have here and then you try something even better and for $1!! #what??! every dish here comes with chili, soy sauce and cucumber on the side; i have a new appreciation for condiments but i can live without the cucumber. It was great meeting Leo, he is very generous with his knowledge, time and money and was very considerate of others.

We went to Anh's bubble tea shop and Huy and Lee where there making jewellery. They said to me that they thought i had already been back a couple of days and i was avoiding them. i laughed and explained that i had to do Ha Long Bay. None of them had been there, its true- you don't usually see much of your own country. I would like to know australia more. To KNOW Australia, haha. That's how Danny would always put it- "i want to know Hoi An" she'd say, "i want to know the beaches..." i like hearing it that way.

i watched the sunset in Vietnam from gate 20; through the glass window in the airport and i was thankful that the day was coming to an end. im forgetting the days and dates and never look at the time unless im hungry or need to be at the airport. This adventure hasn't necessarily made me see a better side to human nature but it has made me see a lot of things...
a friend of mine said that when you travel you see how much the 'tall poppy syndrome' is so prevalent in Australia. I remember Dennys said she thinks Australia is perfect, i said no where in this world is perfect but some where is home.
i think home is a feeling; that consists of love and time and trying to understand and wanting to know and a cuddle or maybe more than one... its nurtured in the place where you spend your time. For me, that is Australia."

#thesoundtrackofnam...

#abouttoday...
"Reflecting on today i should have eaten more than bubble tea, pineapple and an airplane "meal" [its not really that bad, i don't know why airplane food gets so much hate...] it had been 12 days and the police still hadn't finished or rather- hadn't started the insurance report for my stolen iphone. Anh said its because it got taken from your hand, in daylight, at the same intersection that the police station is on- so it makes them look bad and lazy... which is what they are! he said.
i sat in the police station for too long again, one of the girls who run the hostel translated for me; a whole lot more aggressively than how i put it and it worked. she added things like " she'll call the australian embassy and report you... if she misses her flight tonight you'll be paying for it etc etc" i was very thankful that she was there with me.

before this experience began, i wondered what the soundtrack would be and since my chosen music was removed from me on the first day here; the soundtrack naturally became the experience itself...
the lyrics are foreign, the melody- both haunting and playful. sounds cut in and out of each other but with a sense of belonging; traffic- motorbike horn, a stream of flowing water, the sound of children playing, bricks falling down, someone coughing up, an old woman weeping and begging, weeping and begging, a dog and a chicken, a man laughing and still laughing, layers of silence and if every shade of green had one sound- that... and a woodwind instrument and my beating heart...

The album art would be something like a collage of motorbikes colliding around a monument of earthly significance made of buffalo-head triangle cheese and everything would be drowning, sinking into the ocean but in a hopeful way... with yellow flowers in there somewhere. 

and that is the soundtrack of my #namtownadventure"

#abouttoday post nam...

#abouttoday...

"I feel so much older #thatsalie or though my body aches at times and then I tell myself "you've got the heart of a youth and the bones of an ancient egyptian mummy #dealwithit" and then I remembered those lyrics by The Cure, "yesterday I got so old I felt like I could die, yesterday I got so old it made me want to cry..."
Sometimes their lyrics are so serious and honest but its hard to take it seriously because the melody is so playful. Their music has this ironic way of making me feel good about things. 'The Cure' are great.

Today, walking by the maribyrnong river, to the shopping centre to keep my "genius" appointment at apple and I thought of all the things inside me that I want to get out. All the things I want to say, want to communicate to the world before this ends for me. And I can't work out how, in any kind of way. My eyes glazed over.
Isn't that all we're all trying to do; isn't that what we're doing here? Trying to express this experience of being human and what that means and how it feels. And maybe that's one reason im studying sign language, find as many ways as I can to communicate; just to get it out right... 

im always asking why, too curious and for my birthday, my sister gave me a book called 'Why? Answers to Everyday Scientific Questions' 
"because you're a scientist now" she said.
I am always amazed by her insight of me. She said "I worried about you almost every day but I knew being in Vietnam was good for because of what you were going through. You never talk about how you feel to get approval or reassurance or some sense of direction; you've never needed that from people. You just need to get it out".
I was silent for a moment and then said 
"I feel good when say things like that" she laughed
"why? Because it shows you that I know you?" she asked
"yeah...and you know me and you still like me" I said
"I like you even more because of it" she added

My old iphone4 [replacement of my stolen iphone5] has issues- no safari [internet], no wifi and no app store and the off button doesn't work... They asked me if it's ok to reset the phone, which I agreed to, though it was not backed up- I figured i've been getting good at letting things go. Well they couldn't reset it anyway because you need the 'off' button to go off for that...they apologised and in the end i don't think the ''genius'' felt so genius. I said
"don't worry about it, genius is a pretty lose term these days"

sometimes I wonder, how I got to be so deeply effected by things. Maybe going through my whole life sober is part of it; I have never known what it's like to numb whatever it is I feel. When I cut my leg shaving I thought maybe I should allow myself to be upset [about other things that aren't shaving cuts] and not constantly analyse myself as to why... And just be ok with that.

I keep thinking about that missing airplane; I was flying with that same airline, in that same area last week. And I don't think, "what if that was me?" I just think about the purple blanket that's waiting at your seat, when you board and the endless cups of bad coffee with the weird powdered milk and the eye contact I made with the air hostess and the rows of seats in front of me, filled with strangers, all going the same direction and wondering- only for a moment "who are you all? Where are you actually going?". And the friendly voice that began with "this is your captain speaking..." First in a foreign language, then in English. It all seemed so ordinary then one moment changes the 'ordinary' forever."

'the cure'- in between days:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scif2vfg1ug&feature=kp