t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f s e l f - r e f l e c t i o n

There are many things i want to tell you, moments i want to describe:
-when the snow fell for the first time
-hearing the french birds sing
-all kinda of smells that fill this place
-the tree out my window
-how i sat in the darkest room i could find for half an hour trying desperately to retrieve my exposed film from Paris
-how i danced alone in the ballroom and how it felt knowing that no one would find me there
-the freedom to open every door in the castle 
-when i stood, singing aloud in the empty chapel 
Every moment is so precious to me, yet they come and go so easily. i can't be constantly writing or i would not be living and would then have nothing to write.
This is my last night here, at the Performing Arts Forum. i believe i am learning a lot about myself.

In an environment where your time is your own and you are free to use each minute as see fit, from these five days alone, it would seem that these things are of importance to me: 

+ my faith 

+ having a lot of time to myself

+ taking long walks

+ being deliberate in loving others 

+ music

+ bath time

+ long-term friendships

+ photos, capturing things visually 

+ art

+ mindless movies; well- the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and the royal tenenbaums. Not that 'mindless' but rather- good entertainment. 

+ poetry 

i surprised myself on how content i was with such little human interaction. There were times i would go for hours, even a whole day without seeing someone here. 
i think i like words, how they fit together, how they sound. How they feel, coming from your month and have they can make you feel. 

There were things i noticed that i didn't like also:

+ i would have trouble sleeping, there was a constant tapping sound by the window in my room. I slept too long sleeping in the morning at times then i would start the day around 9am.

+ i think i should have tried harder to meet people here, instead of standing still on the stairs until i couldn't hear voices close by. i guess not be able to speak french is a bit of a barrier but not an excuse.

+ i would have like to further

establish my creative ideas and

challenge myself more.

There's probably more...

It has been a privilege to have this time. Our time- what we do with it, is incredibly important. i think it has been a healthy thing to reflect on how i respond in such a free environment. You may not have the chance to do something similar but you can reflect on your week, find your strengths, realise what you are passionate about and work on changing things you're not as happy with. 
What else is there to do in life but to become your best self. 
It's a process. You're with yourself for a very long time, so do something today that will help you like you, a little more.

L5 S1

I feel so distant from the pain that was within me earlier this year; both physically and emotionally.

It’s hard to believe it was only nine months ago when I questioned if I’d be able to walk “normally” again- without pain, without limping. I wasn’t very good at listening to my body and would struggle explaining to my GP and neurosurgeon, where the pain was, how it felt and the severity of the nerve pain. I work with universities helping to train medical students in communication, by pretending to be a patient. You’d think after years of talking injuries, accidents, unfortunate diagnosis’ and death, I’d have a handle on the pain scale structure and what information is required for history taking. Yet when it’s happening to you, well, what is real feels very different to what is not.

The medical team suggested I make pain notes. Pain is a strange thing, hard to control, hard to process and at times hard to heal.  I made a conscious effort not to let this pain be a vocal point in my life. 

“This is not going to become part of my identity,” I thought, so only in the margins of my diary I wrote out my pain in red pen:

2.3.15

+hurts

+hurts when I sleep

+hurts when I wake

+when I walk

+standing hurts

+bending down hurts

3.3.15

+same as the day before

+hurts when I cough

+after walking for a while I forget the pain

4.3.15

+a little better when I stood up this morning

+still hurts when I cough

5.3.15

+sore all day, filming all day  = standing all day

6.3.15

+hurts getting up

+cried at the physio

+hurt all day

+pain killers not helping

7.3.15

+hurt in the morning

+hurts holding things

+hurts to walk

+couldn’t pick up car keys off the ground

+new pills from GP

+getting older tomorrow

8.3.15 [#birthday]

+hurts when I sneeze

+hurts when I cough

+used heat patch

9.3.15

+left sign school early because of pain

10.3.15

+NO PAIN IN THE MORNING!!!

11.3.15

+woke in pain

+hurts when I cough

+got sent home from work

+cried on the floor

the following was a ‘to do’ list I had written at the time:

-sleep

-cry

-listen to records

-lay on the floor

-cry

-sleep

-walk

-repeat

I’m glad that I wrote these things out because I’d forgotten, not necessarily the effects but how it felt. It was terrible but I couldn’t be as thankful as I am right now, if I were not able to re-read what I’d gone through. I made a decision to take time and write the specifics about what I was going through at that time in my life and I’m glad I did.

It’s a process and I still have to be careful. Now there are days when I have no pain. I remember thinking “if you can’t feel your spine, it’s a good time”.  I’m hopeful that in time I will be closer to that point.

This morning I had physio-pilates at 7:20am on a pain scale where 1 is the least amount of pain I’ve experienced and 10 is the most; I would rate this mornings session at 2. Earlier this year I would say I’d hit a 10 for sure.

Throughout this year, even when I was on 4 different medications and my health needed to be a priority more than ever; I was still able to finish all my assignments and graduate sign school. I had my first composition performed live, I moved house, continued to work and support myself, drove a bus to Alice Spring, started taking piano lessons and got my taxes done. We are capable of some much more that we think we are.

To my GP, neurosurgeon, psychologist, physiotherapist x2, my sister and my dear friends; to whom without their support, the struggle would have been so much more real, I thank you.

So much has changed and I’m so thankful.

What did you learn?

• -     Healing is a mystery; it can happen over time or can happen in a moment.
• -       Writing is a great way to process what you’re going through.
• -       Don’t let the biggest pain in your life be the biggest thing in your mind.
• -       Sometimes really hard things happen and all you can control is your response to these things.
• -       You need other people, you can’t do everything on your own.
• -       One of the most important things in life are the choices that you make.

to stay...

All pain

All joy

All sorrow

All rough

And

Regeared

Life

Cut open

Bloody

Exposed

Healing

Through

Your

Knife

What’s left?

What lasts?

What’s important

Until the end day

To overcome

To face what’s

Broken

Hungry like the grave

And try

And learn

And know

What it really means to stay

#mish

#whereareyoufriends...

#abouttoday

"This morning i woke to white light, the echoing sound of children playing and some kind of woodwind instrument and i asked myself if i was still dreaming but my dreams had never been like this.
I walked onto the balcony and saw the primary school across the road. The pastel colours of the rooftops combined with the white haze over the city was indeed a sight...my eyes didn't believe my eyes.

Da Nang is a ghost town compared to Ho Chi Minh, i walked to the ocean and i was taken back to the beaches of the Gold Coast, it was comforting. The air is thick here which makes the mountains beside the sea look further away than what they actually are...the salt water is good for me.

i saw a little mouse on the beach, there frozen, i could see it breathing, i watched it closely and the first thing i thought was "where are all your friends little buddy?" and the second thing i thought was "i wonder if the Vietnamese people see me like i see this little mouse...where are all your friends little buddy"
i dont know, i guess a friend could just be the next stranger you meet, but here, trust is something different.
that feeling like it'd be nice for someone else to say your name out loud, cos its been a while- ive had that one now...

the sand has tiny little specks of fools gold and im glad i got that pedicure even though i was overcharged, maybe im made of fools gold or maybe im just a fool...either way im content to look down at my feet and have pretty red toe nails. i walked 14 km today and the sun burnt the back of my neck and the tops of my feet and palms of my knees. Its times like this i think maybe i should have packed sunscreen or a band-aid or had some kind of vaccination or told my family i love them haha #sodramatic."