auckland #nzadventureclub

music while you read:orca by mice on stilts 

my friends have skills 

= lover im going to let you down this time =

ben wanted to dance...

abby at piha

i waited

christian in the city 

that walk that time

abby has the face

mt eden and its moments  

= me in the museum, you in the winter gardens = 

piha is its only thing 

my heart thought about it 

only good can come from this

i don't know them but i like them

i know them and i like them

they gave me a day 

tu meke

my New Zealand people 

me te arohanui 

Try that stream of consciousness thing...

I strongly believe there are very few things we control in life and these would include and may be limited to; ourselves- our behavior, our words and our thoughts.

Some may even argue that this is not the case; that they can't control themselves. It may take a lifetime to learn to control these things the way we'd like to. Still we persist. 

I would say that from these things, our thoughts are where our biggest challenge is found. They say 'actions speak louder than words' and 'death and life are in the power of the tongue'. When we are in the same room and you do something, I can see it, I know it was you. The words you say; whether you own them, whether you mean them or not is really irrelevant. It's done, it's out there and it came from you. These things are a kind of proof. Yet I can't see your thoughts, your motives, your intention...

What point is this bringing us to?

I think part of learning to control your own thought life is to become more aware about how you're thinking. In an effort to understand myself [my thoughts] more I took a pen and made note of thoughts as they came, not dismissing anything. I will share it with you here and I would encourage you to do the same. If we want to be in control of our thoughts we must become more conscious of the way in which we are thinking. 

To give this some context, i was travelling from the Netherlands back to London at the time:

There are gaps in the spiral stairs.

i tried, but i can't sleep.

'kiss and ride' said the sign,

we never kissed.

no one was around so i looked down, 

a little shaky;

still wanting to throw everything i had over the stone wall of the new church.

it didn't make any sense, all spread out that way.

don't leave me alone anymore.

shoe lace and seat-belt undone.

independent. 

i will find my own way to follow you.

is it here?

376 steps, the rest?

i want you to go before me and to stay.

if i had only on choice it would be- stay.

stay.

i can only do any thing with you.

take me where you feel most at home.

i don't remember that feeling.

don't or can't?

can't or won't?

don't cry,

unless it helps-

im talking to myself again now.

i cried in every city.

where is the blood?

where there is blood there is something either living or dying

and why is it red?

they're drawing squares in the sky again.

its means nothing to me.

is it hard to tell the difference?

im ok with that.

all the strangers look, some look like strangers,

others like friends- faces like other faces i know.

we didn't talk about it, i think they're in a hurry.

the chocolate was fair-trade.

i think im learning.

he helped me; i didn't understand the machine,

the coins, the paper,

the smallest coffee in the biggest cup.

sometimes i think im still in love with him.

it didn't taste like melbourne but it didn't matter.

its all green except the blood- christmas colours.

a dying art form.

why the wait?

not to complain, only to wonder...

passing everything

catch your breath, only this is real.

whether its getting better, improving, developing at a pace you'd prefer is irrelevant 

but now, try to know it,

to know yourself in this- now.

no sugar.

blueberries and memories.

last week seems only a distant dream, in this now.

he smiled, he touched my elbow. 

   

the way things fit...

only black outline,

colour me in sweet dreamer.

rugged sky

cherry pie

you laying by my side.

the end has no end

in you and i...

tell me all the beauty you see,

capture my heart as days drift by.

never set it free.

do you know?

do you know me now?

then fall again,

into my arms.

= 35 mm film, mt eden, new zealand =

t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f s e l f - r e f l e c t i o n

There are many things i want to tell you, moments i want to describe:
-when the snow fell for the first time
-hearing the french birds sing
-all kinda of smells that fill this place
-the tree out my window
-how i sat in the darkest room i could find for half an hour trying desperately to retrieve my exposed film from Paris
-how i danced alone in the ballroom and how it felt knowing that no one would find me there
-the freedom to open every door in the castle 
-when i stood, singing aloud in the empty chapel 
Every moment is so precious to me, yet they come and go so easily. i can't be constantly writing or i would not be living and would then have nothing to write.
This is my last night here, at the Performing Arts Forum. i believe i am learning a lot about myself.

In an environment where your time is your own and you are free to use each minute as see fit, from these five days alone, it would seem that these things are of importance to me: 

+ my faith 

+ having a lot of time to myself

+ taking long walks

+ being deliberate in loving others 

+ music

+ bath time

+ long-term friendships

+ photos, capturing things visually 

+ art

+ mindless movies; well- the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and the royal tenenbaums. Not that 'mindless' but rather- good entertainment. 

+ poetry 

i surprised myself on how content i was with such little human interaction. There were times i would go for hours, even a whole day without seeing someone here. 
i think i like words, how they fit together, how they sound. How they feel, coming from your month and have they can make you feel. 

There were things i noticed that i didn't like also:

+ i would have trouble sleeping, there was a constant tapping sound by the window in my room. I slept too long sleeping in the morning at times then i would start the day around 9am.

+ i think i should have tried harder to meet people here, instead of standing still on the stairs until i couldn't hear voices close by. i guess not be able to speak french is a bit of a barrier but not an excuse.

+ i would have like to further

establish my creative ideas and

challenge myself more.

There's probably more...

It has been a privilege to have this time. Our time- what we do with it, is incredibly important. i think it has been a healthy thing to reflect on how i respond in such a free environment. You may not have the chance to do something similar but you can reflect on your week, find your strengths, realise what you are passionate about and work on changing things you're not as happy with. 
What else is there to do in life but to become your best self. 
It's a process. You're with yourself for a very long time, so do something today that will help you like you, a little more.

my greatest mystery

i wish i could paint you or draw you.

i wish i could write you with words-

books and books of you.

i wish i could play you on the stage;

all that you are in one performance.

i wish i could make perfume of you-

capture your scent forever.

you in once embrace, just to hold;

still and strong.

i wish i could sing you out- 

a song my heart knows well.

i want to see you in the eyes of strangers

and looking back at me in the mirror.

be my reflection. 

i'd like to take your picture...

but i can't.

there are not enough water colours to paint you,

not even the greatest imagination holds a picture of you.

there are no words worthy or true enough.

all that you are could never be played, like a character,

made of merely human parts.

your scent too fragment to take in.

you are my greatest mystery, 

i will not stop searching

a spare friday night...

It’s Friday. 10:12pm

I decided to turn Netfix off for the night. Four candles lit, ok three now; I swivelled my chair around to see that the candle by the window had melted down into a pile of white wax attaching itself to picture frames and running down the wall, into a crack that was there before I moved in… I promise.

‘In Rainbows’ is playing, the vinyl spins, and I left the lid up. The sound carries, I put the second speaker on the other side of the room and I’m glad I did.What is it, fifty-one days? Fifty until I leave? Yes, fifty. Not just leave this room, this house, this suburb, this state but this country…home.

It’s a good thing. It is. I just have to take time and look at things, these things in this room. The places I go, the people; the people I love because I’m counting and unlike some seasons where you may only feel a change, this one has a definite, abrupt ending and I know it.

“I don’t wanna be your friend, I just wanna be your lover” 

 this song is playing now and I’ve always been drawn to lyrics I don’t understand maybe because I have to try harder to find meaning. One of my two plans this year is to see Radiohead play at one of the five festivals they’re headlining in Europe.

There’s so much to do, you know?

I have these extravagant ‘to do’ lists-

+things to think about

+friends living there

+predicted costs/payments so far

+work I could get

+visa check list

+notes on travel

+things I want to do before I go

That’s not even all of them…

 =i took this in Tasmania= 

And you know I wanted to do some really neat things before I left like give away all my art work and write a letter to someone different everyday and take more photos and get better at life admin but it’s not really happening, especially that last one…I am thirty in a few weeks, are you ever ready for your next year, your new number?I’m thankful I was never one of those girl that had grand ideas of “settling down” by any certain age. I’m anything but settled; I’ve never really liked the sound of that, to “settle down”. If to settle means to be comfortable then I want none of it. I am determined to fight comfort until the end. Although I do have fleeting thoughts of a lovely someone, some day… I feel like it’s overwhelming because I’m doing this on my own. This is the way I’ve always done things and so I believe it’ll work out but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. The nerve pain in my L5 S1 came back yesterday and walking is hard again now and all my thoughts took me right back to this time last year, when the pain was at it’s worst and I felt it all. 

I felt so alone… It’s this world, this culture.I attended the Melbourne travel expo on the weekend. They shouted out special over the PA system while herding us through the gates. There were people breathing on each other, so many people. Holding flyers, selling you your next grand adventure, shiny free gifts; pens, luggage labels and other useless items. Granted, I use pens, a lot, but still I wasn’t interested; probably because they were plastered with labels so you could walk away and still be a sales person on their behalf.I’m traveling on my own, looking for a one-way flight; I know it’s my choice. I’d signed up for some travel info session- [the first of a series of poor choices...actually I think being there was technically the first] endless power-point presentations on how much better your life will be when you leave the country with someone you like. All the “Expo Specials” were for those traveling in a pair or in groups, all the flight sales were for return airfares. I’d been there wandering aimlessly for three hours until a friendly “expert” lead me to a line where I waited an hour, while couples and families made their plans around me; smiling and laughing at their future, as if making plans and reality were the same thing.

=i took this in Tasmania #too= 

I wanted to be patient, I wanted to be ok, and I wanted to control my feelings; particularly when an elderly couple pushed their way in front of me after I hit the forty-minute waiting mark. Yet I also wanted to try and understand what it was I was experiencing in that moment.The only redeeming quality of the expo was the free wifi, I sat down on the floor, a million strangers moved around me as I streamed The National into my ears to calm me. I had never wanted to be swallowed up by the music more than in that moment.

I love spending time on my own. Sometimes it just hits me that I don’t know what any other way is like. I’ve been on my own for so long that I have naturally adapted. “Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a partner, sometimes I feel like my only friend is the city I live in….” and I’m leaving that behind too.

There on the floor flicking through some travel magazines that I never asked for, which came with the free tote bag, labelled “Live, Love, Travel” my eyes began to well up as I remembered traveling through Tasmania a year ago, one night at a restaurant… and that conversation while ordering my meal.

Waitress: any thing else?

Me: No thanks.

W: so, that will be all?

M: ahh yeah… thank you.

W: you don’t want to order another meal?

M: who for?

W: you must be waiting for someone… or is it just you?

M: it’s just me.

W: sorry… we don’t really get many people eating here alone.

After that awkward interaction I began to wonder about our culture; I wondered why restaurant tables are preset for two or more people. In a world were we are constantly fighting for independence or a sense of individuality, we need only to look around us and see that almost every corner implies co-dependence is the ‘normal’, acceptable and approved way of living. Just once I’d like to go somewhere the seating is arranged and see a place set for one.I am happy with the way I’m living and for that I give no credit to a culture that suggests that I am not enough on my own, when that is exactly what I am. Enough. And so are you. 

L5 S1

I feel so distant from the pain that was within me earlier this year; both physically and emotionally.

It’s hard to believe it was only nine months ago when I questioned if I’d be able to walk “normally” again- without pain, without limping. I wasn’t very good at listening to my body and would struggle explaining to my GP and neurosurgeon, where the pain was, how it felt and the severity of the nerve pain. I work with universities helping to train medical students in communication, by pretending to be a patient. You’d think after years of talking injuries, accidents, unfortunate diagnosis’ and death, I’d have a handle on the pain scale structure and what information is required for history taking. Yet when it’s happening to you, well, what is real feels very different to what is not.

The medical team suggested I make pain notes. Pain is a strange thing, hard to control, hard to process and at times hard to heal.  I made a conscious effort not to let this pain be a vocal point in my life. 

“This is not going to become part of my identity,” I thought, so only in the margins of my diary I wrote out my pain in red pen:

2.3.15

+hurts

+hurts when I sleep

+hurts when I wake

+when I walk

+standing hurts

+bending down hurts

3.3.15

+same as the day before

+hurts when I cough

+after walking for a while I forget the pain

4.3.15

+a little better when I stood up this morning

+still hurts when I cough

5.3.15

+sore all day, filming all day  = standing all day

6.3.15

+hurts getting up

+cried at the physio

+hurt all day

+pain killers not helping

7.3.15

+hurt in the morning

+hurts holding things

+hurts to walk

+couldn’t pick up car keys off the ground

+new pills from GP

+getting older tomorrow

8.3.15 [#birthday]

+hurts when I sneeze

+hurts when I cough

+used heat patch

9.3.15

+left sign school early because of pain

10.3.15

+NO PAIN IN THE MORNING!!!

11.3.15

+woke in pain

+hurts when I cough

+got sent home from work

+cried on the floor

the following was a ‘to do’ list I had written at the time:

-sleep

-cry

-listen to records

-lay on the floor

-cry

-sleep

-walk

-repeat

I’m glad that I wrote these things out because I’d forgotten, not necessarily the effects but how it felt. It was terrible but I couldn’t be as thankful as I am right now, if I were not able to re-read what I’d gone through. I made a decision to take time and write the specifics about what I was going through at that time in my life and I’m glad I did.

It’s a process and I still have to be careful. Now there are days when I have no pain. I remember thinking “if you can’t feel your spine, it’s a good time”.  I’m hopeful that in time I will be closer to that point.

This morning I had physio-pilates at 7:20am on a pain scale where 1 is the least amount of pain I’ve experienced and 10 is the most; I would rate this mornings session at 2. Earlier this year I would say I’d hit a 10 for sure.

Throughout this year, even when I was on 4 different medications and my health needed to be a priority more than ever; I was still able to finish all my assignments and graduate sign school. I had my first composition performed live, I moved house, continued to work and support myself, drove a bus to Alice Spring, started taking piano lessons and got my taxes done. We are capable of some much more that we think we are.

To my GP, neurosurgeon, psychologist, physiotherapist x2, my sister and my dear friends; to whom without their support, the struggle would have been so much more real, I thank you.

So much has changed and I’m so thankful.

What did you learn?

• -     Healing is a mystery; it can happen over time or can happen in a moment.
• -       Writing is a great way to process what you’re going through.
• -       Don’t let the biggest pain in your life be the biggest thing in your mind.
• -       Sometimes really hard things happen and all you can control is your response to these things.
• -       You need other people, you can’t do everything on your own.
• -       One of the most important things in life are the choices that you make.