#abouttoday...
all the words i have written about Ha Long Bay do not justify it's breathtaking beauty... after my first night onboard the ship, early in the morning i was noticing everything, seeing everything and i wrote this:
all ships sailing
and there is now no difference
between the shore and the sky
all is white
floating
wanting to stay
to wait
when there is time
to wait
to stay
to hope
but hope is not hope when having
no, hope is grafted into longing
eyes closed now
white light, brilliant, dances around me
i want to pull it in
and keep it inside me
for when the fragile me
is eroded in parts again;
this bright light, brilliant
will shine through the gaps
the holes, the spaces, the pain
and when there is nothing else
this white light, brilliant, shall remain — at Ha Long Bay.
#abouttoday...
"they took us on a little bamboo boat to climb one of the islands in ha long bay ["descending dragon bay" isn't the imagery great...] the four of us walked up together, something like a thousand steps he said. its good to get your heart racing, i love that feeling; i felt alive. when we reached the top, the white fog covered most of what would otherwise be a perfect view. usually im all about the view but in that moment all i wanted was to stand there, eyes closed, face leaning into the sky and to feel the cool, gentle rain softly touch my skin, gathering together; as it dripped down my cheek. i was really there...
I think im glad i didn't have my phone- all distractions avoided. Every moment is worth capturing and i would have stressed myself out with the amount of content... my eyes and my heart can take it in and keep it safe and store it better. When i really want to cement a place in my mind i draw the skyline with my eyes- follow it closely, every curve, every point and every empty space. And if no stranger is near i draw it in the air with my finger. So, from the left to the right, as far as i can see, it is all connected and it will stay with me.
Ho Long Bay is worthy of being counted as one of the 7 wonders of the world [not that ive seen any of the others].
As i walked inside the cave i found myself singing outloud and even though there were so many people around i wasn't as self-conscience as i am about those things. my left hand moving gently over all the stones it could touch, feeling the cold and the texture and singing james vincent mcmorrow, ryan adams and jeff buckley. Even in a crowded cave full of strangers i found moments of my own and was thankful for all that my eyes were taking in. We all had to follow the same path as there was one way in and a different way out. I enjoyed the sense of being together, moving together, yet feeling free to stop at any point, for any length of time while you try and comprehend how such a thing could ever be crafted.
i honestly don't mind waiting and really why are people in such a hurry- what is so urgent that to rush through life can be justified? what is so important that it must happened now? #iusedtobeinahurry... if i know anything about time- its simply that you can't change it; it changes you.
And i believe this time has changed me and im yet to know what that change will look like or how it will out-work itself in my life. Things like this tend to not hit you for some time. Still i try to process as much as i can now, maybe to have some sense of self-awareness or become more thankful or even just to realize the small things about life that i haven't learnt or didn't know before. The more i learn, the more i see how much i don't understand and all it does is create within me a deeper hunger for understanding. im beginning to believe that this is the kind of hunger that will never be satisfied."
#abouttoday...
"slightly unwell. i went to the pharmacy in Hanoi, no one spoke english, they gave me yellow pills for my heavy head; im sure they're not as dodgy as they look...
After Ha Long bay and the A Class Cruiser, going to a backpackers was a bad choice. im usually all for those interactive stranger experiences but maybe its just cos im sick or maybe its like wayne said
"the majority of backpackers cannot offer any depth to a conversation as they're are not here to learn anything or experience the culture, they're only here to meet other backpackers and get pissed every night of the week"
"so you're a 'real' traveler, then?" i asked
"yes, i would say i am" replying just as you would expect an englishman to
"well, couldn't that be seen as slightly pretentious of you?" i added
he laughed "well, there's a thought, maybe you're right. i guess there's two ends of the scale" he said.
ive been pumping myself full of ginger and spilt the ginger tea all over my diary as i was making plans; flying to Ho Chi Minh tomorrow and not looking forward to it. it really was a terrible first day in Vietnam and i have no desire to relive it- i know i just need to get past it and im sure that's what will happen once im back there...besides i really liked the girls who run the ppbackpackers there and Anh, my bubble friend and Huy, who took me on a free tour of the city on his motorbike and hand-made me an anklet with little fish on it. I like the people a lot but the place... haha
This morning i went to ABBank to get the 'emergency cash' and thought about buying t-shirts for my cousins... ive decided to check out of the backpackers and pay a few more dollars for a nice hotel that will allow me to be hidden for a while, that might have hand soap and clean towels and maybe even free ginger tea all day..."
#abouttoday...
a little song I wrote to help me remember some important Vietnamese words- loosely translated below:
"hell-o hell-o hell-o
thank you thank you thank you
goodbye goodbye goodbye
sorry sorry sorry
pineapple..."
the locals are #lovinit
#abouttoday...
"its warm here, laying in the room, Saigon. The fan is blue and orange, i like it and as it spins it blows the white sheets hanging above and in front of me. They gave me my own room for the price of the dorm- "my own room" also doubles as their laundry room and its found on very top floor and i don't mind at all. Actually i like it; my own space, balcony, huge bed and a place to hang my first attempt at hand-washed clothes.
There is something luxurious about the freedom of having a midday shower and even though the shower system is a little different to what im used to; i have indulged in this simple joy at any opportunity while being here.
i had lunch with Leo, a make up artist from new york that i met on the twenty-five cent bus from the airport to the city [much better that the taxi ride that cost me $45 USD the day i arrived in Ho Chi Minh #heavilyrippedoff #classictourist]
Leo knew a great street food place, the walk was good, the lotus flower is in bloom beautifully this time of year and allamanda and orchids I notice everywhere. over lunch i mentioned to him that i seem to think ive already had the most delicious mean i could have here and then you try something even better and for $1!! #what??! every dish here comes with chili, soy sauce and cucumber on the side; i have a new appreciation for condiments but i can live without the cucumber. It was great meeting Leo, he is very generous with his knowledge, time and money and was very considerate of others.
We went to Anh's bubble tea shop and Huy and Lee where there making jewellery. They said to me that they thought i had already been back a couple of days and i was avoiding them. i laughed and explained that i had to do Ha Long Bay. None of them had been there, its true- you don't usually see much of your own country. I would like to know australia more. To KNOW Australia, haha. That's how Danny would always put it- "i want to know Hoi An" she'd say, "i want to know the beaches..." i like hearing it that way.
i watched the sunset in Vietnam from gate 20; through the glass window in the airport and i was thankful that the day was coming to an end. im forgetting the days and dates and never look at the time unless im hungry or need to be at the airport. This adventure hasn't necessarily made me see a better side to human nature but it has made me see a lot of things...
a friend of mine said that when you travel you see how much the 'tall poppy syndrome' is so prevalent in Australia. I remember Dennys said she thinks Australia is perfect, i said no where in this world is perfect but some where is home.
i think home is a feeling; that consists of love and time and trying to understand and wanting to know and a cuddle or maybe more than one... its nurtured in the place where you spend your time. For me, that is Australia."
#abouttoday...
"Reflecting on today i should have eaten more than bubble tea, pineapple and an airplane "meal" [its not really that bad, i don't know why airplane food gets so much hate...] it had been 12 days and the police still hadn't finished or rather- hadn't started the insurance report for my stolen iphone. Anh said its because it got taken from your hand, in daylight, at the same intersection that the police station is on- so it makes them look bad and lazy... which is what they are! he said.
i sat in the police station for too long again, one of the girls who run the hostel translated for me; a whole lot more aggressively than how i put it and it worked. she added things like " she'll call the australian embassy and report you... if she misses her flight tonight you'll be paying for it etc etc" i was very thankful that she was there with me.
before this experience began, i wondered what the soundtrack would be and since my chosen music was removed from me on the first day here; the soundtrack naturally became the experience itself...
the lyrics are foreign, the melody- both haunting and playful. sounds cut in and out of each other but with a sense of belonging; traffic- motorbike horn, a stream of flowing water, the sound of children playing, bricks falling down, someone coughing up, an old woman weeping and begging, weeping and begging, a dog and a chicken, a man laughing and still laughing, layers of silence and if every shade of green had one sound- that... and a woodwind instrument and my beating heart...
The album art would be something like a collage of motorbikes colliding around a monument of earthly significance made of buffalo-head triangle cheese and everything would be drowning, sinking into the ocean but in a hopeful way... with yellow flowers in there somewhere.
and that is the soundtrack of my #namtownadventure"
#abouttoday...
"I feel so much older #thatsalie or though my body aches at times and then I tell myself "you've got the heart of a youth and the bones of an ancient egyptian mummy #dealwithit" and then I remembered those lyrics by The Cure, "yesterday I got so old I felt like I could die, yesterday I got so old it made me want to cry..."
Sometimes their lyrics are so serious and honest but its hard to take it seriously because the melody is so playful. Their music has this ironic way of making me feel good about things. 'The Cure' are great.
Today, walking by the maribyrnong river, to the shopping centre to keep my "genius" appointment at apple and I thought of all the things inside me that I want to get out. All the things I want to say, want to communicate to the world before this ends for me. And I can't work out how, in any kind of way. My eyes glazed over.
Isn't that all we're all trying to do; isn't that what we're doing here? Trying to express this experience of being human and what that means and how it feels. And maybe that's one reason im studying sign language, find as many ways as I can to communicate; just to get it out right...
im always asking why, too curious and for my birthday, my sister gave me a book called 'Why? Answers to Everyday Scientific Questions'
"because you're a scientist now" she said.
I am always amazed by her insight of me. She said "I worried about you almost every day but I knew being in Vietnam was good for because of what you were going through. You never talk about how you feel to get approval or reassurance or some sense of direction; you've never needed that from people. You just need to get it out".
I was silent for a moment and then said
"I feel good when say things like that" she laughed
"why? Because it shows you that I know you?" she asked
"yeah...and you know me and you still like me" I said
"I like you even more because of it" she added
My old iphone4 [replacement of my stolen iphone5] has issues- no safari [internet], no wifi and no app store and the off button doesn't work... They asked me if it's ok to reset the phone, which I agreed to, though it was not backed up- I figured i've been getting good at letting things go. Well they couldn't reset it anyway because you need the 'off' button to go off for that...they apologised and in the end i don't think the ''genius'' felt so genius. I said
"don't worry about it, genius is a pretty lose term these days"
sometimes I wonder, how I got to be so deeply effected by things. Maybe going through my whole life sober is part of it; I have never known what it's like to numb whatever it is I feel. When I cut my leg shaving I thought maybe I should allow myself to be upset [about other things that aren't shaving cuts] and not constantly analyse myself as to why... And just be ok with that.
I keep thinking about that missing airplane; I was flying with that same airline, in that same area last week. And I don't think, "what if that was me?" I just think about the purple blanket that's waiting at your seat, when you board and the endless cups of bad coffee with the weird powdered milk and the eye contact I made with the air hostess and the rows of seats in front of me, filled with strangers, all going the same direction and wondering- only for a moment "who are you all? Where are you actually going?". And the friendly voice that began with "this is your captain speaking..." First in a foreign language, then in English. It all seemed so ordinary then one moment changes the 'ordinary' forever."
'the cure'- in between days:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scif2vfg1ug&feature=kp
